Using "I" statements can make it clear how you feel and what you want. An example of an "I" statement is, "I feel hurt when my feelings are ignored." "I would like to talk about how I am feeling." You use an "I" statement by filling in the blanks to this sentence: "I feel _____ when _____, and I would like _____." When using "I" statements, you are clearly sharing how you are feeling. It may take some time to get used to using them as we talk, but they can be very effective.
When we use "I" statements correctly, we share our feelings honestly and in a positive way. This doesn't mean that you will automatically get your way, as everyone has the right to disagree or say no, just like you do. However, "I" statements make our messages clearer. Anyone from your grandmother to your therapist will tell you that one of the keys to a happy, healthy marriage is good communication. Practicing skills such as active listening, clarity, and respect can improve a couple’s interactions many folds.
What are "I" Statements?
An "I" statement is a method for expressing feelings that focuses responsibility on the speaker rather than on the recipient. It is the opposite of a "You" statement, which implies blame. Thomas Gordon first explored this type of communication as a means of effective leadership in the 1960s. Bernard Guerney later introduced the methodology to marriage and couples counseling.
Gordon’s idea of "I" statements emphasizes the importance of taking responsibility for one’s own thoughts, feelings, and needs in communication. Expressing oneself with "I" statements reduces defensiveness, promotes active listening, and helps create a more collaborative and respectful dialogue between individuals.
Examples of "I" Statements
"I" statements help express your feelings and needs in a non-threatening way, promoting positive communication and understanding. Here are some examples of "I" statements for couples:
- "I feel hurt when you don’t listen to me."
- "I need some time alone to recharge."
- "I would like to have a more equal share of household chores."
- "I feel anxious when you raise your voice."
- "I need your support when I’m going through a difficult time."
- "I would appreciate it if you could communicate your plans with me in advance."
The Purpose of "I" Statements
The purpose of using "I" statements instead of "you" statements is to express one’s thoughts, feelings, and needs without blaming or accusing others. By focusing on how the speaker feels rather than the actions of the recipient, the recipient is less likely to feel blamed and defensive. "I" statements can significantly improve a couple’s relationship by fostering effective conflict resolution.
How to Train Yourself to Use "I" Statements
The simplest "I" statements make a connection between thoughts, emotions, and behaviors or events. When trying to express yourself while using "I" statements, use the following format: I feel (emotion) when (behavior) because (thought about event or behavior).
Remember that simply tacking "I" or "I feel" onto the front of a statement will not change the emphasis. When you use an "I" statement, be sure that you are describing your feelings to your partner, not chastising them for certain behaviors. Your partner may not know how their behavior affects you. You should never assume that they intend for the behavior to cause bad feelings.
How to Make "I" Statements More Effective
"You" statements tend to express feelings as facts, implying that those facts cannot be changed. With an "I" statement, the speaker acknowledges that their feelings are subjective, allowing for the opportunity to change. To get the most out of using "I" statements, focus on referring to behavior rather than the person. Make your statement simple and clear.
"I" statements are not resolutions unto themselves but are an effective way to start a constructive conversation. Once you are comfortable with a simple "I" statement, try following up by describing a change that would improve your feelings. Don’t forget to listen once you have made your statement.
Sometimes using "I" statements may still cause your partner to feel defensive. If they lash back, listen and try to empathize with their feelings. Repeat back what you hear your partner say. It may be best to disengage and return to the discussion at a later time.
How to Use "I" Statements Correctly
- Begin your statement with "I feel," "I need," or "I would like."
- Focus on your own thoughts, feelings, and needs rather than blaming or accusing the other person.
- Avoid using generalizations or exaggerations.
- Be clear and concise in your message.
- Listen actively and respond respectfully to the other person’s perspective.
- Use "I" statements consistently to promote positive communication and understanding in your relationships.
Additional Questions
While "I" statements are generally seen as a positive communication tool, some potential disadvantages include coming across as self-centered, using them excessively, or not taking responsibility for harmful behavior towards others. These concerns can be effectively addressed by seeing a professional relationship therapist or counselor.
Using "you" statements in the middle of "I" statements can sound like an "I" statement but is actually not. It shifts the focus onto the other person and can come across as blaming or accusatory rather than expressing one’s own thoughts, feelings, and needs.
Making Conversations Easier
Using "I" statements can make conversations a lot easier and better by making everyone involved listen better, be less defensive, and be more understanding. By owning our feelings, we can make our difficult discussions healthier and more positive for our relationships.